With few exceptions, human beings want to be emotionally and physically close to each other. Life seems better shared. And yet no area of human endeavor seems more fraught with challenges and difficulties than our relationships with others. Relationships, like most things in life worth having, require effort.
What is Toxic Relationship?
It’s a common refrain: relationships are hard work. Fights are normal and rough patches are par for the course.
True as that may be, however, these platitudes can distract from legitimate causes for concern in one’s social and romantic life — including signs that a relationship may have become, or always was, toxic.
Here’s what you need to know about toxic relationships, and how to tell if you’re in one.
How To find If You’re In a Toxic Relationship?
Dr. Lillian Glass, a California-based communication and psychology expert who says she coined the term in her 1995 book Toxic People, defines a toxic relationship as “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.”
While every relationship goes through ups and downs, Glass says a toxic relationship is consistently unpleasant and draining for the people in it, to the point that negative moments outweigh and outnumber the positive ones. Dr. Kristen Fuller, a California-based family medicine physician who specializes in mental health, adds that toxic relationships are mentally, emotionally and possibly even physically damaging to one or both participants.
And these relationships don’t have to be romantic: Glass says friendly, familial and professional relationships can all be toxic as well.
What makes a relationship toxic?
Fuller says people who consistently undermine or cause harm to a partner — whether intentionally or not — often have a reason for their behavior, even if it’s subconscious. “Maybe they were in a toxic relationship, either romantically or as a child. Maybe they didn’t have the most supportive, loving upbringing,” Fuller says. “They could have been bullied in school. They could be suffering from an undiagnosed mental health disorder, such as depression or anxiety or bipolar disorder, an eating disorder, any form of trauma.”
That was the case for Carolyn Gamble, a 57-year-old, Maryland-based motivational speaker who says she fell into toxic relationships after a tumultuous childhood marked by losing her mother to a drug overdose, and suffering physical abuse at the hands of her father. When she grew up, she found some of the same themes in her marriage to her now-ex-husband, who she says became verbally and emotionally abusive. “I realized in this life, regardless of the cards that we’re dealt, sometimes there are things that we have to let go,” she says.
Sometimes, Glass says, toxic relationships are simply the result of an imperfect pairing — like two people who both need control, or a sarcastic type dating someone with thin skin. “It’s just that the combination is wrong,” she says.
What are the warning signs of a toxic relationship?
The most serious warning signs include any form of violence, abuse or harassment, which should be dealt with immediately. But in many cases, the indicators of a toxic relationship are much more subtle.
The first, and simplest, is persistent unhappiness, Glass says. If a relationship stops bringing joy, and instead consistently makes you feel sad, angry, anxious or “resigned, like you’ve sold out,” it may be toxic, Glass says. You may also find yourself envious of happy couples.
Fuller says negative shifts in your mental health, personality or self-esteem are all red flags, too. These changes could range from clinically diagnosable conditions, such as depression, anxiety or eating disorders, to constantly feeling nervous or uncomfortable — especially around your partner. Feeling like you can’t talk with or voice concerns to your significant other is another sign that something is amiss, Fuller says.
You should also look out for changes in your other relationships, or in the ways you spend your free time, Fuller says. “You may feel bad for doing things on your own time, because you feel like you have to attend to your partner all the time,” she says. “You cross the line when you’re not your individual self anymore and you’re giving everything to your partner.”
Finally, Fuller says concern from family or friends should be taken seriously, particularly since people in toxic relationships are often the last to realize it. Brocke says that was true of her relationships, which perpetuated the damage for years.
“By the time I actually started realizing I was in something that wasn’t healthy, it was so normal to me that it didn’t seem like that big a deal,” Brocke says. “You get paralyzed in it, because you’re just used to it.”
How to Fix a Toxic Relationship?
Have you ever been in a relationship wherein not a day passes by without you two fighting even about the pettiest of things? Does your partner cancel your date just because you’re five-minute late? Does a simple hello to an old friend cause jealousy and endless fights? Or, do you end up fighting over a photo of an ex? These may be signs that you’re in a toxic relationship with your partner.
A toxic relationship can cost a lot of your energy, time, and emotions. It can even lead to losing yourself in the process, so it’s important to address the problem as soon as you can.
Here are some tips on how to fix a toxic relationship.
1. Identify the root of the problem.
Appropriate diagnosis is first needed before one actually starts to treat an illness. The same notion applies to relationship issues. You first have to identify the toxin that is causing harm to you and your partner. Is it jealousy? Is it trust issues? Is it insecurity? Is it dominance issues? Whatever the root cause, you have to figure it out for you to know the appropriate remedy.
2. Have the right disposition.
Identifying the root is just the first step. You and your partner need to have the desire to cure yourselves of the illness that is slowly damaging your relationship. No slacking off. No excuses. No hesitation. Get on your feet. Have the will and determination to turn your toxic relationship into a healthy one.
3. Talk.
Do not talk when you’re mad because it will only lead to hasty decisions, which you will later on regret. Talk when both of you are already calm and composed. Talk about the things that make your relationship toxic. Express your grievances, but tone down your voice. Establish transparency, but avoid sarcasm and condescension. Relay your message to your partner in a clear and respectful manner in order to avoid misinterpretations and further conflicts.
4. Set a common ground.
Make your partner understand your position, and try to understand your partner’s position as well. From there, you can talk about possible compromises to make the relationship work. For instance, if you’re a sociable person and your partner easily gets jealous with the people you interact with, both of you can agree to let your partner join in any of your social gatherings. Make him or her get to know your social group for your partner to feel assured that there is nothing to worry about and that he or she should trust you because you are not doing anything wrong to ruin the relationship.
5. Learn to accept your flaws.
Sometimes, you might blame the problem all on your partner. However, you might have failed to introspect and realize the role that you play in the conflicts of your relationship. Hence, if you have flaws, learn to accept them. Be humble enough to admit them, and be fair to your partner. Remember that you and your partner are a team. It’s not about counting who made more mistakes; it’s about being brave enough to acknowledge your shortcomings in order to save the relationship.
6. Seek impartial advice.
You and your partner can seek advice from counselors. These people can give you relevant insights and strategies on how to fix your relationship. Apart from professional help, you can ask your trustworthy friend next door to give you an unbiased view about the relationship. Your friend might just give you a fresh perspective about your relationship, which will make you realize that you may be on the rocks with your partner right now, but he or she is worth fighting for.
7. Recall good memories.
Being in a toxic relationship, you might get fixated on the negative things about your partner. You might be too focused on thinking how controlling, childish, and insensitive he or she is, but you’ve forgotten how sweet, lovable, and faithful he or she is to you- things that actually made you fall in love with your partner. Weigh the scale. Do not always focus on the bad side. If you’ve found time to see the faults of your partner, also take the time to appreciate the good things about your partner that make him or her worthy of your love.
8. Never forget to show your affection.
While it’s hard to stay sweet in a toxic relationship, don’t forget to make your partner feel that you are still willing to make things work. Why don’t you bring back the fire that once lit up your relationship? Go back to the place where you first met. Go on an escapade.Try new things together. You might just discover things about yourselves and start seeing each other in a different and refreshing way.
9. Have “me” times.
Personal space and time are important when you’re in a toxic relationship. Being alone will give you time to ponder on things and clear up your mind. Think about the things that you want; think about what makes you happy. Don’t let your toxic relationship consume you. Once you have already made time for yourself and organized your thoughts, you’re now ready to face the problem again and strive to turn the toxic relationship into a happy one.
10. Set long-term goals together.
You may be having issues with your partner right now, but remember that these things will prepare you for more challenges in the future. Hence, remind each other that you are just undergoing a phase in your relationship that you can surely surpass. Why don’t you look forward to achieving your future plans? Make your partner feel that you support his or her dreams. If you can still see your future with your partner, then do something to save the relationship.
No relationship is perfect. The reality is that toxic relationships can’t always be fixed, and sometimes, when you’ve already exhausted your efforts but you’re still failing, the only way to fix a toxic relationship is to end it.
However, never ever quit without giving a fight. Never give up the person you love without giving a try to keep him or her.
Sources: Time , Inspiringtips